Go Back to All Forgiveness Resources As they are seated in their home, a wife places her hands on her husband's shoulder while he is struggling to forgive her.

Forgiveness

Brooke Wilson

3 Things To Do When Struggling To Forgive Your Spouse

“Will you forgive me?” A phrase that is included at the end of almost all apologies in my marriage. Some close friends of ours modeled it, imparting their wisdom to us (for the health of our marriage). But what do you do when you’re struggling to forgive your spouse?

First, it may be helpful to give a refresher on what the Bible says about forgiveness. Forgiveness is the dismissal of a sin committed. It is a decision not to keep score … choosing not to save this wrongdoing in your back pocket as a checkmate for the next argument. It’s the admission that no one in this world is perfect aside from Jesus Christ, but in knowing, trusting, and following Him, we have forgiveness for our shortcomings when we bring them before Him (Colossians 1:13-14).

Second, forgiveness between humans demonstrates the repeated forgiveness we have received. The act of forgiving another can bring connection, restoration, and oneness, just as God intended (Ephesians 4:32). As you grow together as a couple, you have an opportunity to continually grow connection and oneness with our Father, through His Son, Jesus.

While my husband, Perry, and I have been married for three years now, something I have noticed when we get into arguments is that there is a feeling of tension between us that builds. This feeling of tension is a palpable reminder of three things we need to do: acknowledge that one or both of us are feeling hurt, recognize our need to apologize for the wrongdoing, and seek forgiveness from each other.

Modeling Jesus’ love—taking up your cross for the sake of someone you love—something that both parties within a conflict must pursue. One party apologizes, and the other one chooses to forgive. More often than not, Perry is quicker to step into resolving the tension, while I can struggle to forgive him sometimes.

“I vow to be the first to serve, first to apologize, and first to forgive.” This is a line from our wedding vows. In the moments when I am struggling to forgive Perry, I remember those words that we declared, together, before God and our closest family and friends. When you’re struggling to forgive your spouse, there are three things I want to encourage you to consider.

What to do when struggling to forgive your spouse*

*Please note that these suggestions don’t necessarily account for harm or unrepentant sin caused by any type of emotional, physical, or spiritual abuse. For those instances, seek wise counsel or professional help for direction.

1. Pray for your own heart and marriage.

Oftentimes, when I am struggling to forgive, I am believing the lie that Perry couldn’t be hurting as much as I am, or that God just needs to change his heart. This narrative that plays in my head doesn’t lead to connection in our marriage, but instead I am looking at the speck in Perry’s eye, instead of first looking at the log in my own eye (Matthew 7:3).

Before you bring your conflict to a trusted friend or family member, bring it to Jesus for comfort and direction. In my experience when I take a step away to take a deep breath, invite the Holy Spirit in, and listen, I find that the heat of the argument took control of my emotions.

2. Seek a trusted friend.

We aren’t meant to do marriage alone. Jesus did life in community, and both married and single friends can offer a listening, wise ear for you to process. In the Bible, we learn about two friends, David and Jonathan. We learn about their souls being “knitted together” (1 Samuel 18:1-4). In friendships, like David and Jonathan’s, the bond is built with trust, honesty, and love. A friendship built on vulnerability and self-sacrifice is one where you may hear hard truths, but you also know the depth of love the guidance is coming from.

Remember, during this time, to be careful of the picture you paint of your spouse, because the goal of seeking a trusted friend is to move you toward forgiveness. When Perry and I married, we made a decision to never talk about one another negatively with our family and friends, or speak of a fight that we have yet to talk through first. This has helped us to not only work through conflict before and after seeking a trusted friend, but also to not avoid one another in the process.

3. Remember your wedding day.

Whether or not your wedding vow included anything about apologies and forgiveness, you most likely said something about vowing to stand by one another “until death do you part.” When you made that commitment to your spouse, you were also committing to inviting them to see your sin and vice versa. I both like and dislike that I have a mirror in Perry every day, where God uses him to help show me my shortcomings and need for Jesus. Remembering that God brought you together for good, growth, and His glory will help guide you through life’s hardest struggles.

Forgiveness is hard. It’s layered, complicated, and it’s not always easy to apologize for how you’ve hurt your spouse or offer forgiveness when hurt by your spouse. When you are struggling to forgive remember that Jesus took up His cross, forgave us for our sins, and sees you in your humanness, as you seek to forgive your spouse.

*Note: No one should be experiencing intentional and malicious harm from a spouse. If you are experiencing unrepentant sin in your relationship …

Forgiveness is not letting the other person off the hook … there needs to be necessary restitution and demonstrated repentance. Some boundaries may need to be put in place to prevent the sinful behavior from happening again. An intervention by a pastor, counselor, or mature friend may be required to help the offending spouse realize that the behavior is unacceptable and has to change.

In certain situations, attempts for intervention may not be safe or effective. You don’t have to face this alone. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help from a Christian counselor.

Want to learn more about forgiveness? Listen to this FamilyLife Today episode with seminary professor and author Jared Wilson.

Brooke Wilson is a content writer and editor for FamilyLife serving remotely in Greenville, South Carolina. She is married to her husband, Perry, and they have a Chocolate Labrador named Willow. A few of her favorite things are photography, running, and sipping a warm chai latte across from a friend.