170: 2025 Blended and Blessed: Answering Your Blended Family Dilemmas

Episode Transcript

FamilyLife Blended®

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Season 7, Episode 170: Blended and Blessed: Answering Your Blended Family Dilemmas

Guests:          Gayla Grace, Cheryl Shumake, Mike and Kim Anderson

Air Date:        August 11, 2025

Gayla:            Sometimes I feel like when we move, and it’s going to depend on the ages of the kids, but we might need to attend to the kids a little more for a while.

Ron:                Yes, absolutely.

Gayla:            And really be observant of what’s going on with them. Even make sure you’re going to those parent-teacher conferences. Parents, teachers can tell us a lot of things about what’s happening in school. We just have to go the extra mile I think when we move.

Ron:                Welcome to the FamilyLife Blended podcast. I’m Ron Deal. We help blended families, and those who love them, pursue the relationships that matter most. Gayla Grace is with me in the studio today.

Gayla:            Good to be here, Ron.

Ron:                It’s always good to have you. If you are listening or watching, you’re thinking, “Wow, this feels a little different,” you’re right. This is our question-and-answer episode and it’s prompted by the questions that were asked during the 2025 Blended and Blessed livestream. It was in April; we were in Franklin, Tennessee. Blended and Blessed is really great.

Gayla:            It’s such a great event for couples to come together, network with one another, learn more about blended family life, and just interact with their spouse. Yeah, always good stuff.

Ron:                I keep seeing stuff online. It’s just been a few weeks since the event and I keep seeing things online from people reacting to it still.

Gayla:            Yes, me too.

Ron:                And it’s very encouraging.

Gayla:            Right, I agree.

Ron:                We know that it connects with people. If you’re watching or listening and you’re thinking “Blended and Blessed, what is Blended and Blessed?” Well, I’m so glad you asked. Blended and Blessed is our annual livestream. We usually do it in the springtime and livestream of course means it goes out everywhere, anywhere. You can be a part of this event. You can join us in the live audience at the event itself, or you can just sit at home and watch. And we have lots of churches that will host it for a group of couples so that’s an option as well. It is very inexpensive, easy to attend.

In fact, I have a lot of people in the industry tell me, “Man, you guys don’t charge enough for that event.” It’s a big event and we make it really accessible. Hey, $20 to livestream it. And churches can do it for less than a hundred and so it’s easy to be a part of it.

Gayla:            I think it’s fun if you are a part of a church where there’s several couples in there that then you can visit a little bit during the lunch break or that’s another great way to watch it.

Ron:                Yeah. So again, if it’s new to you, we want you to know that we record all of these livestreams and make them available over time. So we’ve done nine. Can you believe we’re going to—

Gayla:            Isn’t that crazy?

Ron:                Next year it’ll be ten,  2026 will be ten years. But you can get access to the highlights, if you will, the major sessions from those previous Blended and Blessed. We have what we call our digital All-Access Pass. We’ll put a link in the show notes. It makes it very easy for you to go back and watch those. Getting access to that is really inexpensive and so we just want you to be able to access the information, the presentations, and be blessed by them.

Gayla:            And they can also be used in small groups if you have a small group in your church and there’s sessions in there that you can just pull up and play and then have conversation around it.

Ron:                So think about it, you really have nine video curricula essentially. Every Blended and Blessed has a different subject, different speakers. So you have a lot of information that you can go through at your fingertips, use in small groups. We’ve had churches do their own one-day event or create their own retreat and do it at a different time of the year. Just making use and repurposing the—

Gayla:            So many ways to use the content.

Ron:                Yeah, it’s very creative. So during that event we have an app and people submit questions and we have a panel discussion where we answer those questions. We’re actually going to let you have, hear in on the 2025 Blended and Blessed Q and A panel discussion here in just a few minutes, but there are more questions than we have time to cover. So today in this episode, we are going to be answering some more of those questions.

Gayla:            We are, right.

Ron:                And we’re going to dive into a couple of those. In fact, let’s do that right now.

Gayla:            Yeah, let’s get started, Ron. Here’s one for you. “My husband struggles when he spends time with his kids or me. He feels like he’s neglecting his kids when he spends time with me and then vice versa. Do you have any advice to help him? The kids are 15, 16, and 18.”

Ron:                Okay, first of all, let me say it’s a common experience.

Gayla:            I agree.

Ron:                Biological parents, in particular, often feel stuck in the middle like they’ve got to pick who they’re going to spend time with. And really, ultimately, what that comes down to is the steppeople—in this case, his children and his wife—may not feel entirely comfortable around each other all the time in every case. And it feels like if he spends time with his kids, he’s neglecting his wife or time with her, he’s neglecting his children. And so there’s a guilt factor here.

Gayla:            Right.

Ron:                So it’s a common experience. It can be frustrating for biological parents because they want everybody to be happy. And here’s the thing I always feel the need to say with this question is you can’t make everybody happy. And that guilt factor is something inside you as the parent. And if you allow yourself to be hamstrung by that, then you’ll just get frozen and not know what to do or choose one side only because this seems to be the most needy. “Well, I’ve got a kid who just needs me more than you need me,” so I get out of balance.

Gayla:            Which happens. That’s how the biological parent feels sometimes.

Ron:                It happens; that’s exactly right. And that’s why we hear from stepparents who feel like it’s out of balance. “I’m not getting any time.” Exactly, that’s why this question comes up. Okay, so let’s just acknowledge that you can’t make everybody happy. The reason that’s important is because you’re going to have some measure of guilt. A lot of times people pose the question as “How do I not feel guilty?” I don’t know that you cannot feel guilty.

Gayla:            I agree with that.

Ron:                I just sort of think that comes with the territory.

Gayla:            It does.

Ron:                Here’s the thing though, you just can’t allow that guilt to get the best of you.

Gayla:            Yeah.

Ron:                So I’m actually going to answer this question using what we taught during Blended and Blessed in 2025, which is how to regulate yourself when you feel this bind. Nan and I had three sessions on principles from our new book The Mindful Marriage, and so we taught the four steps and here’s what that might look like for this person.

So it might be that her husband slows down and says step one: what am I feeling? “Well, I’m feeling guilty. I’m feeling like I’m neglecting somebody. And my kids in particular. I feel bad. I feel like I’m not enough for them.” Okay, step two, what I usually do with that is that I either give into them constantly or I shame myself. Maybe he does a little of that. I shame myself because I’m not a good enough parent and I feel horrible. And sometimes then I withdraw and get frustrated with people. Whatever it is that he does, that’s step two.

Gayla:            His coping mechanism; that’s what you’re talking about.

Ron:                That’s right. That’s exactly right. And so the third step is, okay, but what’s the truth? The truth is I am kind of stuck in the middle because Ron and Gayla told me I was, and I’m feeling like no matter what I do, somebody loses. But the truth is I’m loving as best I can. Yes, I have to make choices with my time. No, I can’t settle everybody’s heart around this all the time. I do have to make choices. I’m going to do things that are helpful for both sides and I’ve got to trust the Lord that I’m not God in this situation.

See, that’s part of the little commentary here. We think we’re God and we think we can make everything perfect for our kids all the time. No, at the end of the day, you’re trusting the Lord to step in places that you can’t fix. Absolutely. That’s a part of this. What’s the truth? How do I orient myself around that instead of around my guilt?

And then step four. So because of that truth, I’m going to spend time with my kids and I’m going to let it go, and then I’m going to date my wife and I’m going to be okay with that. I’m going to be fully present with her and I’m going to give myself there and then I’m going to let it go. And I’m going to not be haunted by whatever emotions they’re going through. I can just manage me and try to bring my best self to each of those relationships.

Now that was a long way to answer the question, but what I’m trying to demonstrate here is how those four steps actually move you to a place where you feel empowered to do what you can do. I actually think, “Alright, there it is. There’s the plan and I just got to walk that out and trust God with the results.”

Gayla:            And those four steps can be applied in so many different situations.

Ron:                Exactly. Which is part of what we taught is that it applies to parenting and your marriage and even co-parenting.

Gayla:            Right, and talking through it with your spouse, those teenage kids. Maybe you don’t talk all that through them, but I think it can be helpful for the wife, the stepmom, to understand “This is where I’m at,” and acknowledge that to her. It’s tough stuff in stepfamily dynamics and we do have emotions that can get the best of us, and we need to figure out what to do with those, which is what you just explained.

Ron:                Yeah, I think what you just said is really insightful. The other side of this is the stepmom is asking, “How does my husband manage this?” But she’s also expressing with the question—

Gayla:            Yes, I agree.

Ron:                —some of her loneliness perhaps or feeling—

Gayla:            —left out, outsider.

Ron:                There you go. And so guess what? She gets to do the same thing with her—she has four steps that she needs to work through this. So she can manage her sense of loneliness so she doesn’t end up pushing that off on her husband as if he’s the one who can fix that.

Gayla:            Which makes him feel more guilty.

Ron:                Which puts him more in the middle and makes him feel like he’s not good enough. So it’s really a two-person process. So you’re absolutely right. She can be an asset to him in this as well.

Okay, I got a question for you.

Gayla:            Okay.

Ron:                This came in, Blended and Blessed 2025. “How do you prepare your younger child for a remarriage and a new stepparent coming into their life? They’re too young to know the details of the divorce. So even though it’s been several years and my current partner and I have been together for over a year, I still worry how this new marriage is going to affect my child.”

Gayla:            This is our experience. My girls were three and five when I married Randy. Certainly, I was concerned how were they going to be affected and Randy brought two kids in also. So now they have a new stepdad, they have step siblings. The truth is the child is going to be affected.

And we can do our part though to yes, prepare them. Hey, you’re getting a new stepdad. We don’t know if there are step siblings coming in also, but I think we can let the children, even at a young age, understand it may take a while for us to build relationships. It may feel awkward in our home for a while, and I want you to know you can talk about that with me at any time. So open the conversation so that they understand and they’re not just trying to figure this out in their little brain that doesn’t know how at that age.

And then also help them put words on their feelings. If one day they say, “I don’t really like my stepbrother.” Okay, okay, that’s fair. I think we just need them to know we’re a safe person. They’re going to have a lot of feelings through this, and we want to talk about it, and we want to talk about it with you. And so continue to be relatable to them, watch for behavior that might show that they’re struggling with their emotions.

Ron:                That’s good. That’s good. So I’m sitting here thinking this question obviously has another side to it too. Your answer is very good, insightful. And when you see that distress in a child that they’re not feeling comfortable with their stepbrother, how do you feel then at that point, right? And often what happens is parents feel guilty.

Gayla:            Exactly.

Ron:                Right. So wait a minute, wait a minute. What’s the truth here? The truth is this is the journey. Not everybody feels comfortable with everybody immediately and there’s a journey and I’ve got to give them space to work that out. And in the meantime, I don’t freak out. Because the more you freak out as the parent—

Gayla:            Right.

Ron:                —the more the child—wow, they don’t feel safe bringing those concerns to you, number one, so they’re probably going to isolate. Number two, they may feel like, “Oh, I’m the bad one because I’m making mom feel upset that I’m not happy with my stepbrother,” and now the child is taking care of you as the adult. That’s upside down.

Gayla:            And also when we parent out of guilt, we don’t hold boundaries in place with our kids that we need to. And so we don’t do them justice in the parenting that needs to take place. And that’s why it’s so important for us to deal with our guilt so that we’re not allowing it to affect the parenting.

Ron:                So again, self-regulating as the adult helps your children because you’re not adding more to the anxiety of the room and you’re also there as an asset to help them wrestle through their feelings. You don’t freak out. I mean, I know it just seems easy to say, but it’s hard to do.

Gayla:            Oh, it’s very hard to do. Oh my goodness. It tugs on your heartstrings. You feel guilty anyway because of divorce. Now they’re in a new marriage and you want to give in to the child and that’s really not what’s best for them.

Ron:                Yeah. Okay man, this is good. We’ve had some, two good ones. We’ve gone deep real fast. Alright, so now what we’re going to do for you, the listener and the viewer is to, we’re going to jump into that segment at 2025 Blended and Blessed, the Q and A panel conversation where we did answer a number of questions. There were others that joined us in that panel. So we’ll let that take off right now. Go ahead, give a listen.

[Recorded message]

Brian:              And we’re going to kick it off. Let me just introduce who I’ve got here on the panel. We have got to right here, to my left, Cheryl Shumake; appreciate Cheryl being here. We love Gayla Grace. We’ve talked about you, introed to you as well. Mike and Kim are new to the stage today. So Mike and Kim Anderson hailing from northwest, the great northwest, almost right to Canada. You guys are—

Mike:              Right on the Canadian border, right coast.

Brian:              Yeah, that’s right. Okay, let’s get into some real questions. This is a great one. We’ve been talking a lot about marriage, but this really goes into the parenting aspect of blended families. “How do you handle when the child, an eight-year-old boy, tells the bio dad and stepmom that he likes it better at his mom’s house because he has so much more to do there—meaning that he doesn’t have responsibilities. So he doesn’t have chores, that kind of thing, but he can do a lot more there under his own freedom.” So how do you handle that when a young child tells you that? I mean, it’s got to hit your pain cycle too, I would imagine.

Kim:                Well, there was a time when my daughter told us she preferred to be at her dad’s house because it was more fun there. They were having lots of parties and wild times and our home I guess was boring, we were told.

Mike:              I’ve been told that a few times.

Kim:                What I would say to that is, do you, do the best version of you in your home. Children learning to have chores and contribute to a household and learning the value of responsibility, that gives them a sense of accomplishment. It helps them build identity. There are so many good things that come from that. They may not see it right now, but in the bigger picture, look at the bigger picture of what you are teaching your children to do and if you believe that those are the good things, it’s your home. Teach your children good things and try not to take those comments so personally. Definitely develop your pain and peace cycle around that and stay secure in what you’re offering your children.

Gayla:            I would say also just continue to work on relationship building because sometimes that could be tied to, they feel more comfortable in that home, and so we want to just make sure that we’re always still working on building solid relationships.

Brian:              Yeah, so good.

Mike:              Can I just add one? I might also just in talking to the child, maybe ask something like, “Boy, it sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated here. I’m wondering if you could tell me more about that.” Just try to get them to open up a little bit about what’s going on underneath that and to see if we can chase something there.

Brian:              Mike actually just gave three great words there that I have started to use a lot more with Jen, and it could be any conflict. Like when Jen offends me or she says something like, “Brian, you don’t feel like you’re caring about me more right now or feel like you’ve ignored the family,” I get defensive in my pain cycle. I tend to pull back and I want to escape. Those three words, tell me more—

Ron:                Keep you involved.

Brian:              Yes.

Ron:                And open up to try to chase what’s going on in your wife in that moment rather than being overwhelmed by what’s going on in you.

Brian:              Yeah, so learn how to chase even your kids’ pain in that.

Here’s some more pain from your kids. “My teen doesn’t want me to remarry—ever, anyone after the death of his father. Should I put my teen’s desire above my own?”

Ron:                I’m going to jump.

Cheryl:           Okay.

Ron:                No, you should not put your teen’s desire above your own, but foolish is the parent who ignores their child’s experience and what’s going on. So it is a “both and.” You need to listen. You need to hear and understand more. And at the same time, at the end of the day, you’re the adult and you get to make those kinds of decisions.

But if you just run over your child because you’re dead set on a wedding on this date or whatever that thing is, then you’re just inviting more problem, more hassle, more potential rejection. You’re essentially wanting to bring your children along with you in this journey of dating new commitments and the new family. At the end of the day, you’re asking them to bond and be family with everybody else. So if you run over them to get there, you’re not going to get what you’re hoping for.

So just two quick resources. Dating and the Single Parent is an entire book on the process of dating well, so you can know what to do. And we have some very practical things in there about what do you say to a child when they have that sort of a posture. And then Preparing to Blend is the book once you’re engaged that will take you all the way up to the wedding. And it’s not just preparing you or the couple; it’s preparing your children. So it’s a “both and” in both of those resources.

Cheryl:           And I just want to bring some experience to what Ron is saying. He said exactly what I was going to say. This actually was our experience. My daughter had recently lost her father when Jonathan and I got engaged and she was dead set against me marrying anyone. Jonathan happened to catch the brunt of that. We took our time, we talked to her, we involved the children in our premarital preparation, and Jonathan did something I thought was very brave. He opened himself up to Kayla. He made room for connection with her. And I want to say within four years, four or five years of our marriage, Kayla called me from college, and she said, “Marrying Jonathan Shumake was one of the best parenting decisions you’ve ever made.”

Brian:              Wow.

Cheryl:           If you set up from the beginning, set the tone from the beginning that this person is not here to replace dad. He’s here for you, or she is here for you. She’s not here to replace mom. You don’t want to set in—you don’t want to build in resentment from the beginning. You make it an easy transition for the children. Just involve them.

Brian:              Yeah. That’s really good. Jonathan, you want to come up and share a little? No, no. We can get a mic to you really easy and hear the real story. But I do want you to hear what she just said there: four years.

Cheryl:           Four years.

Brian:              Let’s not skip over that.

Ron:                There’s some time.

Cheryl:           There’s some time.

Brian:              It doesn’t happen in four months. It’s four years of just constant love, steadfast love, right? That hesed love of God that’s going, I’m going to be consistently loving you regardless of your actions towards me. That’s so good.

Ron:                And I want to point out he was safe for her.

Cheryl:           Yes.

Ron:                Safety comes before love.

Cheryl:           Yes.

Ron:                So many times we’re rushing to love, like and love, that we skip over “Am I trustworthy? Am I being reliable? Am I being consistent?” You start with that and then you hope it grows into love.

Brian:              See, Jonathan, you’ve been great up here. You’d be fine.

Alright, Jonathan’s right down here for those who can’t see. He’s doing great. Let’s stay on this topic of teens, especially those, this is a great question. A wife’s getting married to a man who’s never had kids and listen to this lineup of the kids’ ages—a 20-year-old girl, 16-year-old girl, 14-year-old girl, and a 19-year-old son. “What would your advice be to those blending with teens? What are some ways that we can build relationship and bonding between teen and adult children and a new husband?”

Gayla:            It may never blend, just because of the ages of their kids. So you might have to really lower your expectations as you move into this and recognize that if these relationships do blend, it’s going to take longer than you want for that to happen. And you do continue to work on blending relationships, but when those kids are older like that and they’re looking to exit the nest, that’s the natural developmental process. That’s where they are more motivated to build relationships.

Brian:              That’s good. That’s hard; it’s hard to hear.

Gayla:            It’s hard. It may seem harsh.

Brian:              I’d rather have the reality though. It’s kindness.

Gayla:            But pray for their heart. Pray for those kids’ hearts that they would want relationships in the home.

Brian:              Yeah, it’s good; Mike.

Mike:              Yeah, I love that Gayla started with that. Just where’s the expectation in my own heart and what am I actually aiming for or shooting for? And I think we’ve talked a lot about humility today. It takes a lot of humility as a stepdad that doesn’t have kids, which by the way, that’s where my journey began. And thinking that you maybe know everything about parenting even though you’ve never had children.

Kim:                Oh yeah.

Mike:              I knew she was going to chime in on that. But what it takes is a little bit of humility to say, “Maybe I don’t know what I think I know,” and “How might I enter into dialogue with one or all of these kids in an area where they’re interested in,” which a second level of humility sometimes is not something that you’re really adept at. And when you put yourself in a position of the learner with a teenager, it’s amazing what might happen in that relationship. Doesn’t mean it will, but it might. So something to think about.

Cheryl:           And can I just say, be really kind to yourself. None of us know what we’re doing. Even if you have been a parent, you have not been in a blended family marriage. And even if you have had that experience before, you have not been married to that person with those set of children.

Ron:                That’s right.

Cheryl:           So just lower your expectations on everything, accept things as they come as a gift, and trust that God will lead you along the way as you’re humbling yourself. He definitely will give you wisdom as you ask Him for wisdom as you’re going the wrong way.

Kim:                There’s a place also for the bio parent with the children to be humble and that, yeah, Mike came in thinking he knew everything about parenting. He actually did uncover a lot of blind spots I had around my daughter that needed to be addressed. Now we had to learn how to have those conversations. They were very rocky first couple years. But Mike’s input has made me a better parent, and he has blessed my daughter in tremendous ways because of his insight. His outsider insight was so valuable to me and to my daughter.

Brian:              Humility is such a big part. We tend to take too much credit when our kids turn out great, and we take way too much credit when they out bad. They make their own choices. I heard a comedian—I’ll let you jump in, Ron, but I heard a comedian one time say, “I think God gave us teenagers to know what it’s like to create something in our own image that denies our existence.” Isn’t that good? You might need to nurse that on your way home. Just remember, help me learn how to be like God in these moments and that God loves unlovable people and sometimes we have unlovable people that are in our home.

Ron:                So let me just put on the therapist hat, and let’s be analytical just for a second between what Mike and Kim have shared. So they both had something to offer. They both had a point of view. Mike had an outsider point of view, thought he had an insider point of view, learned real fast he didn’t, right? He needed to slow his role a little bit. Kim had an insider point of view that could easily be defensive for her daughter with Mike’s outsider point of view.

But notice what gets in the way of the value that they both bring. What gets in the way of the value that they both bring are the triggers. It’s the reactivity. It’s the “Wait a minute, it’s not your kid. You can’t tell, wait a minute, wait a minute. I’m telling you you’re doing this wrong, and you need to—” It’s the triggers and the pain that erupts all the negative stuff that gets in the way. If they slow that down, back that down, manage the log, and then find their way to a calm conversation, guess what? They’re a better us and a parenting team at the end of that. That’s why what we’re doing today is so relevant.

Brian:              Alright, let’s talk a little dancing.

Ron:                Okay.

Brian:              Stepparent dancing. “I’m a stepmom who’s highly involved but wonder if I should step back sometimes. I’m not sure when to step in, when to step out. So how do I do the dance of stepparenting?

Ron:                We got two stepmoms up here.

Cheryl:           Yeah, we do.

Ron:                Did you ever do any dance in move out.

Cheryl:           Yeah, that pretty much is your life. It’s going to be your life. It’s two steps forward, one step back. You will know, first of all, if you have children, your children will give you cues that this is a place where you’re welcomed, and this is a place where you are not. Bio mom will let you know as well, “This is a place where you’re welcomed. This is a place where you are not.”

Your own sense of anxiety; don’t dismiss that. If you are feeling anxious about this, maybe this is something that you should probably back off on and give yourself permission to pause and come to a place of peace, and then you can circle back around to involve yourself at some level in that situation.

I have three bonus children and one of them I was very involved with because he lived with us. The other one, not so much because she remained with mom and she didn’t want me as involved. She had a serious loyalty conflict going on and with her, I had to take my time. I had to be humble. I had to ask the Lord as well, “Is this a good time for me to step into this situation?” When she would come to me with things, I was always open and available, but I didn’t rush the process, and I didn’t rush in. I had to wait for her cues.

Go ahead. Anything you want to add?

Gayla:            I would just say in the early years, it’s more likely that you need to step back until the relationship has really begun to come together. The other thing is the stepmom-stepdaughter relationship can be the most difficult relationship in blended families. So if it’s with a stepdaughter, again, you probably need to step back and just give it more time. It doesn’t mean that it won’t develop. It’s just going to take longer than you want.

I have a stepdaughter and a stepson and could see the difference in relationship building. My stepson was much more willing to accept me earlier into his life. I have a great relationship with both of them now, but it takes a while. And sometimes if we’re in question, I would say step back first. Make that be your first instinct.

Ron:                I’m going to add Cheryl’s book, Waiting to Be Wanted. Listen to that title.

Mike:              It’s a great title.

Ron:                You’re so eager, desire to connect and bond, but you’re waiting for them to bring it back to you. You’re waiting to be wanted. That is such a difficult—you feel powerless, you feel rejected, all that kind of stuff. Great resource. If you’re a stepmom, you might step into that book.

Brian:              That’s good. Give us real quick, Cheryl, could you give us cues that they’re ready to be wanted?

Cheryl:           Are they ready to want you?

Brian:              Yeah, ready to want you. Yeah, ready to want you; that’s a better way to say it.

Cheryl:           Well, they’re initiating a lot more. With my bonus daughter—I’m going to get a little personal with it if it’s okay—she would come to me and she would ask questions about me. She started to show interest in what I was interested in. She also would talk to me about difficulty she was having with mom. I was very, very careful here not to ever bash mom, never even agreed with her if I believed that what she was saying was right, always put her back to honor her mom and respect her mom and so on and so forth. That made me a safe person, so she started coming to me more.

She is herself a therapist today, and we recently did a podcast. She specializes in childhood trauma, and we were talking about what she had gone through and some of her recommendations for children that might be in trauma who are in blended families. And what she said to me, she said, “You made all the difference in our family” because I was safe for her and because I did not rush. I waited until she came to me. And the things that she was interested in, like Mike said earlier, just started taking an interest in those things as well.

So I took my cues from her and those were the cues that she gave. She started coming to me, talking to me, asking about me, and inviting me into the things that she was doing as well.

Brian:              So good. So good. Alright, Anderson, I’m going to—

Mike:              Can I just add one super quick thing?

Brian:              Super quick thing.

Mike:              All of the above and stepdads, there are a lot of childless stepdads out there who desire that just as much as stepmom. So stepdads, don’t discount it just because we’ve been using the language stepmoms.

Brian:              That’s good.

Cheryl:           Yeah, that’s good.

Brian:              I’m going to come back to the Andersons on this one. Obviously, anybody else can jump in. “My husband feels like he needs to choose. He has to choose between his kids or me because his teen kids don’t want a relationship with me. Any suggestions on how to help this situation? I just want to be a family but feel like they don’t want anything to do with me. It hurts my heart so much that my husband feels this way. They want time with their dad, but only if it’s him.” Boy, there’s a lot of pain there.

Kim:                Well, that’s a tough dynamic to manage. There are lots of things to talk about around that. One I will highlight is that a bio parent should spend exclusive time with their bio children. And I know that’s so hard for a stepparent to hear because it feels like you’re being pushed even further to the outside. But in the big picture of blending a family, when a child has that connection with their bio parent, it lowers that threat of the incoming stepparent.

I hate to tell you stepparent, you are a threat in your stepchildren’s lives, especially in the beginning because you are taking time and attention and affection away from them. That’s how they perceive it. Whether it’s true or not, that’s how they perceive it. So when you allow the bio parent to spend one-on-one time with their bio children, it’s lowering that threat. The child’s thinking, “Oh wow, I still have dad. I still have mom. We still get to do our fun things.”

And then when the stepparent is around, the child is not as prone to want to compete or act out against the stepparent because their love tank is filled with that bio parent’s love and they can relax and enjoy more than they would have. So I know it’s a hard concept for stepparents to hear, but in the big picture—again, look at the big picture—it’s what’s best for everyone.

Mike:              I would add, I love the idea of rhythm. That’s when we talk with lots of the couples that we work with. So a lot of times we can get stuck in this either-or mentality as opposed to the both-and mentality and a both-and mentality requires rhythm as opposed to balance. So our youngest son, he plays a drum kit. He’s been playing forever, took all these lessons and stuff and what a cool picture for me of four different appendages doing the different things all at the same time. But it’s awesome. What would happen if he was just hitting the snare drum or if he was just kicking the kick drum? That wouldn’t be very entertaining at all.

But when we have a good rhythm of, hey, in our marriage, what’s the rhythm we need in order to stay connected? And hey, with my bio kids, what’s the rhythm in order to make sure that we’re maintaining connection? And with my step relationships as well, what’s that rhythm? All of that put together at different speeds and different times, man, it comes together to make something really cool.

Brian:              That’s really good. Good stuff, guys. Alright, I want to get through a couple more of these. We got a few more minutes. Gayla, is there a list of possible ghosts to help us start identifying and give word possibilities? How would you name the ghosts?

Gayla:            Well, let’s see. I named some of them. Trust or distrust, fear, anxiety kind of goes with fear.

Ron:                I was kind of thinking the pain cycle that they just did—

Gayla:            Yes.

Ron:                —really drives at the heart of what’s underneath that ghost and what really triggers this.

Kim:                Guilt.

Gayla:            Guilt, yes. Guilt’s a good one. Yeah, y’all can chime in here.

Cheryl:           Autonomy too. I remember, and still do to some extent, struggle with leaning on my husband, although he’s very trustworthy after coming out of a divorce situation. That is a huge one as well, which it could also be called trust, but for me it was.

Gayla:            Inadequate could be one.

Kim:                Insecure.

Brian:              A lot of the luggage you see up here, the ghost of luggage past.

Ron:                I will say in The Smart Stepfamily, I do have a discussion of some of these ghosts, post-divorce and also post-death. We haven’t said much about that. So let me just say a word for those of you that were widowed preceding your blended family. The ghosts are a little different there. Whereas in a divorce situation, it might be, “I don’t want to go through pain again so I’m hypersensitive to you looking at me with your eyes squinted. Boy, that tells me you really are pulling back and away from me because that’s what my last spouse did before they left.

Ghosts of widowhood can be, “I’m drawn into you, and I love you and I’m so surrendering my heart to you; how do I know this thing doesn’t end tragically?” So it’s almost the other side of that same coin. I’m living in fear of love because of what can happen when it’s pulled out from underneath you. So sometimes it’s the opposite.

Gayla:            Also, expectations can be a ghost that we bring in. Grief is kind of what you’re saying.

Ron:                Yeah. I think the journey we started you on today, it’s going to help you begin to hear those voices and maybe put words on them: “Oh, it’s the ghost of rejection,” “Oh, it’s the ghost of unloved,” “Oh, it’s the ghost of unimportant.” And that might help give you a word so that you can recognize it when it begins to haunt you.

Brian:              I think Gayla needs to write a book on ghosts of past marriages. I think it’s time.

Gayla:            I think so.

Brian:              So yeah, just a list. Go there. Call it Ghostbusters.

Gayla:            Oh, you’ve even given me a title. Thank you.

Brian:              That’s right. Okay. “We both have”—this came in from a couple different people, so I think this is important. “We both have adult friendships that predate our marriage. Sometimes—opposite sex, obviously—sometimes that makes me feel insecure. What do I do about that?” That’s a ghost.

Kim:                Sounds—I was just going to say sounds like a ghost.

Cheryl:           Yeah.

Kim:                I agree.

Ron:                Yeah. So the insecurity ghost is creeping. Here’s a fundamental question to the day specifically. So whose problem is it to fix that insecurity? Let’s say it’s the wife who’s feeling insecure about her husband having friendships with another woman or adult women. Is that her husband’s job to fix that insecurity in her or is it her job to manage that insecurity in her?

Gayla:            It’s her job.

Ron:                See, isn’t that an interesting question? We sort of asked the question as if, what does he do to end those relationships so that I don’t feel insecure anymore? That’s ineffective strategy number two that we talked about this morning, trying to get the other person to fix your pain. I’m not sure he can ever do enough to make her insecurity. Insecurity is neurological in her heart, mind, soul. It is on her to manage that log.

Now he does things that honor the relationship, that honor their usness, that he can contribute to an environment of safety where she does feel more increasingly less insecure over time. But at the end of the day, he can’t do enough to make all the insecurity go away. It is a both-and. They’re both being respectful to the relationship, but ultimately, she has to wrestle with insecurity. I think that’s really important to say because we default to the other person having to fix that. You just can’t.

Gayla:            But do you like—

Brian:              Oh, go ahead, Gayla.

Gayla:            Well I do like though where you’re saying where to talk about it with your spouse because they can honor the relationship and might do some things differently sometimes just in honor of you and knowing what you’ve been through. The fear that I came into marriage with with Randy. He knew how to honor that and knew what my triggers would be. It doesn’t mean he’s responsible for it.

Ron:                Excellent. That’s great. That’s a great point.

Cheryl:           Even without the fear, I think it’s important for us to respect our marriage. Marriage is sacred and if there is a relationship that feels a little threatening to the marriage, it’s worth having a conversation with your spouse. It’s worth altering your behavior. We have to keep in mind the sacredness of that relationship after God. It is that marriage that comes first.

Brian:              And if there’s trust that’s been broken because of that, it is the responsibility of the person to go, “How can I keep rebuilding trust? How can I be consistent?” There shouldn’t be anything hidden. My phone should always be available to my wife.

Ron:                That’s right.

Cheryl:           Right; absolutely.

Brian:              At any time.

Ron:                In particular, if I’m the one who violated the trust, then I have to be the one who works super hard to rebuild that and that’s going to take a long time, and I don’t get to tell the other person when they should be over it. I don’t get that right. I just have to rebuild trust slowly over time. That’s a both-and. That’s a complicated one. I wish we had more time to unpack that. Obviously, there’s elements on both sides.

Cheryl:           Sure.

Kim:                He unpacks it beautifully in the book The Mindful Marriage, and that was so affirming to me as someone who experienced infidelity in my former marriage. I read that chapter and I just felt so affirmed. So thank you. That was an incredible chapter. If you have not read the book, read the book.

Brian:              It was so good. And it’s not just for blended families. This is the first book you guys have written that is for all marriages and anybody’s going to benefit from it. So if you have other friends that are married that aren’t in a blended family, it’d be a great resource to give them.

Cheryl:           We have two daughters that are engaged, and we just bought four books. Two for our—seriously, two for our daughters, and two for their fiancés. We just think they need to have that in their tool chest to have a successful marriage.

Kim:                We had Ron on our podcast recently, and Nan, and he said that this is the most important book he’s written for blended families.

Ron:                Yeah, the book’s written for all couples, The Mindful Marriage is, but I really think it’s the most important book I’ve written for blended couples in particular because of the baggage that creeps in and erodes what you’re trying to build with one another. If we can get that out of the way, the bonding process just is so much easier.

Brian:              So obviously this panel was brought to you by The Mindful Marriage. You can get that out of the store or Amazon.

Kim:                But it’s absolutely true because everyone in this room wants to talk about the hard stuff going on in their families. They want to talk about the parenting struggles and the stepkids and the exes invading and all of these things, but we can’t talk about those things and strategize around them until we’re in a place where we can sit calmly and hear each other and we’re not going into blame, shame, control or escape. When we’re in our pain and in our copes, there will be no work done on all the other things. So I totally agree that this is the most important book for blended families because you’ve got to have this under your belt.

Brian:              That’s great. Alright, well guys, I wish we could go longer. You guys did a wonderful job answering everything. Would you give them a big hand for being a part of this?—being honest and open? Thank you.

[Studio]

Ron:                Okay, so you’ve been listening to the Q and A panel at the 2025 Blended and Blessed livestream. We didn’t even get close to getting through all the questions.

Gayla:            No, there were so many questions.

Ron:                So we have more to go.

Gayla:            We do.

Ron:                Alright, so here we go.

Gayla:            Alright, here’s you another one. “How do you place limits on screen time when the other house has none? This is for video games and watching YouTube.” Again, a common issue. One family tends to have more rules in the home; the other family doesn’t. How do you deal with it?

Ron:                Okay, so let me just pull back a second and say I understand the question. Each household parents a little bit in light of like there’s a mindfulness for how the other household parents. You got to be aware to know how it’s going to land on the child when they have something different, a different expectation somewhere else. I do think that’s important and helpful for you to keep in the back of your mind.

Now let me jump around and say the other side of this. I don’t understand the question. It’s your household. Why does it matter? And that’s not being naive. What I’m saying is at the end of the day, you still run your home. And so your children have a thousand friends over the course of their life whose parents don’t make them do stuff. So they always have comparisons, whether it’s their other household, another parent or a friend’s household and different situation.

So in many ways they will have the ability to say, “Well Johnny’s parents don’t make him, don’t limit his screen time and Dad doesn’t make us limit the screen time. Why do you, Mom, make us limit screen time?” Don’t let that paralyze you. I know that sounds easier than it really is, but at the end of the day, that’s the resolve and the thing you need to remind yourself. You can say, “You’re right. Your dad doesn’t make you do that, but we do. So here’s the deal. You get this amount of time and if you go over that then you lose time tomorrow. It’s up to you. You can make your choice. There’s the deal, love you.” Turn and walk out of the room.

The more matter of fact, the more direct, the less argumentative, the less you’re allowing the child to play one house off the other. The more resolve you have as a parent, the easier this gets. Does it mean that the child won’t grow up and go, “Yeah, I’m 17 now and I’m going to Dad’s house. He doesn’t limit screen time.” Well, I can’t guarantee that that won’t happen.

Gayla:            That’s the sticky part.

Ron:                That is the sticky part. And that kid is also going to go to Johnny’s house and another friend’s house and another friend’s house. They have options when they get older. What you’re trying to do is just teach them some values. You’re trying to teach there’s a reason for this. And the more calm you are—I know this sounds—calm is powerful. It’s reactivity that turns it into something it wasn’t meant to be. When the child pushes back, says, “Well, Dad doesn’t make it”—and you go, “Well your dad na na na na,” now you’re the ugly one. Now you’re the one who’s attacking and untrustworthy and the child doesn’t want to bring anything up to you ever. You’re undoing yourself. Be calm, be resolved, and say, “Yeah, I get it. It’s a little confusing, but here’s the way we do things. Let’s go.”

Gayla:            Yeah, and don’t get defensive. I also think it might be okay, especially with teenagers to say, “I am doing this because I believe this is best for you. I am raising you as an adult who will make your own decisions at some point. And I want you to begin to make good decisions while you are still in my home, while I’m guiding you.”

Ron:                I love it.

Gayla:            And maybe that will soften it a little bit, but it helps our kids to understand we are wanting them to be self-sufficient adults, and this is part of the process.

Ron:                And if they have a season of their life where they’re not grateful for that influence, when they have a child, they will rethink the whole thing. And I know there’s a tough season, a window of time in there, but the bottom line is you don’t have to be limited in your parenting because of what the other home does or does not do.

Gayla:            Right.

Ron:                Alright, I got one for you.

Gayla:            Okay.

Ron:                “What suggestions do you have for a stepmother whose adult stepson”—we get lots of adult stepfamily questions these days.

Gayla:            Yes, I know.

Ron:                More and more and more. So the adult stepson has said to her, “I’m done with you. I want no communication from you. I no longer consider you my stepmother.”

Gayla:            This is so hard, Ron. I’m a stepmom. I understand how hard it is to build these relationships and sometimes you pour in, and you do all you know to do and then this is what happens. Now we don’t know—there’s some of this story that we don’t know. There has to have been some kind of an event, or something has happened over time that has really alienated these two relationships. And I think one thing I would say is maybe go to your spouse and ask them, “Would you consider talking to your stepson if”—I think you have to respect his boundaries. He is saying, “I don’t want communication with you,” for whatever reason. And so if she tries to communicate, it’s not going to go well. But I think that perhaps her husband could go to him and say, “Hey, what’s going on here?” Does she owe him an apology? Possibly. Has there been something that’s happened and she needs to own her part and take a humble position and say, “I’m sorry for what’s happened”? We don’t know. We don’t know the details. But maybe in talking to her husband, he can go to the son and say, “What can I do to help here? She is my wife. She is here for the long haul. And how can we help mend this relationship?

Ron:                Yeah, no, that’s excellent. Especially if she’s aware of what she did that contributed to this climate.

Gayla:            Right.

Ron:                Let’s jump around it and sort of assume she’s baffled. She has no clue. And she talks to her husband and together they don’t have any idea, and they really have this sense that whatever it is, it’s sort of inside the adult stepson. Maybe it’s—sometimes kids turn on a stepparent in a cutoff sort of manner like this because of anger at their dad and their mom for the divorce or whatever the backstory is. It really has nothing to do with the stepparent, but they’re just the ones who sort of get it.

Obviously, humility, posture, respect, all of that’s going to be an initial first response. There’s a principle that we teach that might come into play here and it’s the early in a blended family journey, we really recommend that biological parents move towards their child even as they’re moving towards their spouse. And I often say at any point in time in the future, even after bonding and a lot of stability has come to the family, if there’s a resurgence of stress, whatever the reason is, that’s a good default to fall back to.

So like you said in this case, for the dad to be the one who takes the lead with his son, trying to engage, trying to begin to figure out, build bridges, how do we help, whatever that is, without the expectation that his wife gets to come along. He’s the one who can rebuild because the son is going to be more motivated towards the dad.

Gayla:            Absolutely.

Ron:                And so yeah, default to that just for a season. I’ve had people push back out, “Well, we don’t want to end up there.” No, you don’t want to end up there. Of course you don’t want to.

Gayla:            But it happens.

Ron:                But it’s the first step because you’re hoping to rebuild that connection as then an avenue through the dad, if you will, to the stepmom eventually. May take a long time; depends on what the story is.

Gayla:            And I always say pray for that stepson’s heart. We reach a point where there may not be anything that we can do, but we can always pray and just ask God to redeem this relationship because if it stays like this, it will be a sticky point in the marriage. There’s just no way that it won’t.

Ron:                Last thought, I’ve heard you say so I’ll repeat it. This stepmom needs prayer too.

Gayla:            Yes.

Ron:                She needs a team of other ladies who really get it and people she can go to lunch with and really just sort of unload so she can be able to come home and be who she’s got to be.

Gayla:            And not expect that they have the answers, but hopefully they can listen and affirm and acknowledge, this is a hard place.

Ron:                That’s good.

Gayla:            Yeah, it is a hard place.

Ron:                Okay, let’s do another one.

Gayla:            “When merging two established families, both with kids and friends in two cities, how do you make it feel like our home instead of one moving into the other’s home?”

Ron:                Okay. Let me say the obvious. What’s behind this is a parent who has made some decisions and they’re merging families and they’re really hoping that the kids will be as happy about it as they are, and you just got to know—let’s back up. If you move—I’ve moved my kids a number of times through years for new jobs.

Gayla:            Right, we have too.

Ron:                How long does it take?

Gayla:            A while!

Ron:                A while.

Gayla:            Longer than we want.

Ron:                I’ve seen some research saying it takes everybody two years to know where the doctor is and what to expect when you go to school and to have a sense of who your neighbors are. Two years! Now that’s not if you’re trying to blend families at the same time.

Gayla:            Right? There’re complexities on top of it.

Ron:                Layer upon layer upon layer, so lower your expectations. You’re the one who asked this of the kids without giving them a choice. They’re not going to be happy about it. You’ve got to lower your expectations and settle in and buckle up. It’s going to be a bit of a ride. And again, you breathe. You regulate even when they are not.

Now having said that, here’s what you can do. Start doing little things to create little rituals around the new household, around the new neighborhood and the community. And it will be super slow in terms of its effect where you finally feel like kids are enjoying the house or the home or living conditions or their neighborhood.

But you just got to start building those little rituals, little connections, attending church and going to play little league and supporting each other with the new school and somebody’s going to be in the concert and we’re going to go, and all of those little points of connection end up, are building memories. They’re building a sense of, “Okay, this is where we live now. These are the people that we’re connected to,” and just don’t expect big, quick happiness.

Gayla:            No. Right. You might see some tears.

Ron:                Absolutely.

Gayla:            You might see some anger. You might need to just really keep the communication open. Sometimes I feel like when we move, and it’s going to depend on the ages of the kids, but we might need to attend to the kids a little more for a while.

Ron:                Yes, absolutely.

Gayla:            And really be observant of what’s going on with them. Even make sure you’re going to those parent-teacher conferences. Parents, teachers can tell us a lot of things about what’s happening at school. We just have to go the extra mile I think when we move.

Ron:                Yeah. This reminds me, last thought, in The Smart Stepfamily I tell a story, true story, about a family that reached out to me. They were moving two states away. They had met online, fallen in love—

Gayla:            I hear this more and more.

Ron:                —had never met one another’s children or maybe had one quick little weekend kind of introduction, get married. She was moving five children from the house they had lived in their entire life, in a community they had always been embedded in, with grandparents, and a couple of them were teenagers and so they’ve got friendships. Five kids, two or three states away to meet and live with people they had never spent any time with and don’t know and they’re asking, “How do we help them make this adjustment quickly?” You’re not! You’re not going to make that adjustment quickly. Maybe in exceptional circumstances, for whatever reason, there’s a high level of motivation in those children. It is just going to be a hard move.

Gayla:            It is.

Ron:                And you just have to say, “No amount of love between us as the couple is going to make everything fine for them.”

Gayla:            It’s going to be a hard blend, not just a hard move.

Ron:                Yeah. Because all of the changes just add up to more and more animosity about the people that are involved in those changes, and it just creates barriers. Safety is what precedes love. I keep saying this over and over. This is a new insight, Gayla.

Gayla:            It’s true though.

Ron:                And I just feel like I have to say it every turn. It is emotional safety that opens the door for people to love one another. We don’t love and then feel that we can trust them. Trust comes first, and so if change upon change upon change is oriented around you as a person and I don’t really even know who you are, I’m not sure I can trust your heart towards me or these circumstances, it’s going to be really tough for me to like you, let alone love you.

Gayla:            Yeah, and you’re talking about the stepparent.

Ron:                Yes. They’re the ones who get it.

Gayla:            Exactly.

Ron:                And so you just buckle up and do what you can and love as intentionally as you can as the stepparent, and you as a husband-wife team are going to try to lead with some calmness and maturity through the process and that will help things move along but doesn’t make anything happen fast.

Gayla:            No. And for those who aren’t about to marry, I would say slow down.

Ron:                Yeah, slow your role.

Gayla:            Yes.

Ron:                Especially if you’re asking them to make a significant shift like that. It might be worth spending a whole lot more time. Now I’m thinking Preparing to Blend as a resource that really makes you be methodical about merging and bonding relationships well before the wedding in order to just help things gain a little momentum. Again, it doesn’t make it easy or quick, but you do want to go about it in a way that’s respectful to kids.

Gayla:            Yeah. It is not just the parents’ needs. We have to consider how our kids are going to react to this.

Ron:                Okay, I got another one for you. “How do you handle a co-parent and their spouse disparaging and alienating you and your spouse?” So co-parent in the other home and their new partner disparaging, alienating kids from you and your spouse?

Gayla:            Randy and I felt like this was going on some with his ex-wife, spouse, especially in regard to me as the stepmom to Randy’s kids. It was a really hard dynamic and what we did was ask for a meeting of all four adults. Now, I didn’t want this meeting. I was nervous about it because I was part of what they are having, taking issue at, but it was the best thing we could have done. I said very little in the meeting. Randy said a whole lot basically in support of me, but also saying to them, “We all want what’s best for our kids. It is not good for these kids to be in conflict and have these conflicting emotions because of what’s going on in y’all’s home or perhaps what’s going on in our home. We have to also take ownership of what’s happening in our home as we’re trying to parent these kids. But sometimes having some open upfront conversation. Let everybody just air their—because there were some things that had come back to us that maybe they weren’t true. Some things that kids had said and you just kind of have to get all the adults together and let them talk.

Ron:                I like that Randy was appealing on the kids, on the basis of the kids.

Gayla:            Right.

Ron:                Different than an appeal of “Hey, you shouldn’t say that about me.”

Gayla:            Right, right.

Ron:                I mean often the other side—

Gayla:            It’s an ex.

Ron:                It’s an ex for a reason. Their motivation is not necessarily to be nice to you but appeal it on the kids. I’m curious, how did that appeal go? Did it take root?

Gayla:            It did.

Ron:                Really?

Gayla:            It did.

Ron:                Wow, that’s fantastic.

Gayla:            But I think some of it is because Randy had a really humble position. We didn’t come in saying “This is what needs to happen.”

Ron:                You will or won’t or I’m taking you back to court, all that kind of escalating.

Gayla:            No, it’s a matter of we all want what is best for our kids and they’ve all been through a lot, but all four kids have walked through divorce with their families, so it did take root. It wasn’t a miracle, and we were never best friends with them, but it at least kind of got over that hump of strain and strife that was happening at the time.

Ron:                That’s good. So I’ll just toss one in addition to all that because it had a good effect in your case. I can hear other people saying, “Yeah, that’ll never work, and they don’t care. We tried that and here’s what we got.” Gotcha. Okay, so in the meantime again, what can you control? Where are you empowered? You are not empowered to change them. People who say, “Well, I just need to set a boundary with them,” and you expect them to honor it.

Gayla:            Exactly.

Ron:                Let’s wake up

Gayla:            Again, it’s an ex.

Ron:                You’ve already learned that doesn’t work. Why do you keep going back to that same? No, what you can do is manage you. So it’s the simple things. You just do a better job at communicating. You do a better job at not being returning fire with fire and just egging on the whole process. You speak clearly to children about your rules and how you’re going to manage things, and you don’t disparage them. And kids, pretty smart.

Gayla:            They are smart.

Ron:                They can see the difference. Will they be kind of fooled at some level? Yep, they probably will be, but—

Gayla:            Until they get older.

Ron:                —we believe kindness really wins at the end of the day. Grace connects. People who end up choosing sides and trying to make children choose them, that ends up working against them. You’re trusting that goodwill and kindness will go a long, long way.

You also don’t have to be a doormat. You also don’t have to put up with. I think you can make that direct phone call to the other household and say, “We’ve talked about this. It doesn’t help to put the kids in the middle, and I keep hearing that you’re telling them X, Y, Z about us. Please stop doing that. I know you would never try to hurt our kids, but it does. Please stop doing that. Thank you for your time. Have a nice day,” and be done with it. Hopefully some of that lands,

Gayla:            I think you can also trust that kids are smart and as they get older, they figure stuff out and they begin to see, “You know what? It’s really not as bad as Mom is saying about what’s going on with my stepmom.”

Ron:                That’s right.

Gayla:            I mean they figure it out and so if we continue to be kind and gracious and gentle in our responses and then trust God with the rest. Generally it usually works its way up.

Okay, Ron, here’s a question for you. “As a stepmom who wants to be involved, I also want to set appropriate boundaries. I notice when I tend to step up and do more, the bio parent does less; but then when I say I will step back, it looks as if I don’t care or I’m giving up. So then I keep going even though I need to step back. How do you suggest setting appropriate boundaries in a way that your spouse and bio parents still see you as caring and involved?”

Ron:                Okay, good question. I often find—here’s sort of a rule of thumb—when you find yourself in a situation where you’re not sure how other people are interpreting you, you recognize that if you were in their shoes, you could see it this way or that way and you’re not comfortable with either one. Instead of playing the guessing game, what do they think? And I sure hope I can get them to think what I want them to think. How about have an overt conversation where you actually describe what the possibilities are and let them know what is and is not the truth.

So I can see this woman having potentially two conversations. The first one is absolutely with her husband. You always start with your spouse. That’s another principle. You always start there, get solidarity and then decide how you’re going to deal with the other household. So she goes to her husband, and she says something like, “Hey, I’m striving to be your teammate”—here’s a quick one—”because I love you and I care a lot about us.” Lead with that. Here’s my intent of this whole conversation, “because I love you and I care about us.” A lot of people start in with the, “Hey, I want to talk about this problem,” and what gets lost is the fact that you’re moving toward them and you’re trying to be a self-giving loving person, okay.

Gayla:            Right.

Ron:                Say that upfront.

Gayla:            So they don’t get on the defense.

Ron:                Exactly. It sort of helps set the tone.

Gayla:            It does. Yeah.

Ron:                I want you to know where this is all headed. I’m your teammate. I care about you a lot. I want us to have a strong us because of that. I’ve noticed that I feel a little caught and I’m not sure what to do and I’m wondering what you’re thinking. I’d love to hear your thoughts about this. It seems in these situations; I do X and then I feel like maybe I stepped up and did too much. Maybe I shouldn’t do that. And then if I feel like if I do Y, that feels like it’s not enough and I wouldn’t want you to think that I don’t care about your kids and so I’m just here to let you know that it’s neither X or Y. It’s neither that I’m overly controlling or that I don’t care enough. I’m kind of caught in the middle and I’m just wondering how you perceive me in those moments and how can we find a way to what we agree I should do?

Gayla:            Yeah, because I also think that the spouse can give their opinion about perhaps how those stepchildren are perceiving what’s going on.

Ron:                Good.

Gayla:            And that is part of the equation.

Ron:                It is part of the equation. Excellent. So again, what we’re doing to your point is you’re giving the spouse an opportunity and you to hear one another, see each other—

Gayla:            Right.

Ron:                —and for you to clearly say, “I’m not doing this, I’m not doing that. I’m struggling. I would love some help. Let’s figure this out together.”

Gayla:            Yeah, together. I remember Randy would say, “Sometimes I just don’t feel like we’re on the same team,” and some of that was my fault in the way that I was reacting with kids, and so it’s just important to realize we need to be on the same team. It’s so important in blended family life.

Ron:                The usness is really important because there’s so much standing against it. It wants to divide you. So that’s conversation one. Imagine that going well. The two of you sort of say, okay, you know what? In these situations I do need you to step up and do a little more, but you’re right, I need to do my part too. You kind of find your plan. Then you say, would it be helpful if I did this same thing with your ex—stepmom to biological mother in the other household? I can imagine that being a “Yeah,” and the conversation going like, “Hey, bio mom, just want you to know that I know you’re the mom.”

Gayla:            Yes.

Ron:                “And I’m not the mom.” Lead with that, “and because I want to honor you as mom, I sometimes am unsure what to do. When we were at the concert the other day, I thought about doing X, but then I thought, I’m not sure that’s my place. I don’t know, but I don’t know. Maybe they want me to, is there a way I could serve you bio mom by doing X at the concert?—the next one that.

But I also don’t want you to think that I don’t care because I do care. You go through the exact same thing, and you allow the same process to happen with the other household. You let them hear your awareness of the boundaries and respect, and you’re trying to find your way to be helpful, but you don’t want to be overly controlling. You also don’t want to be uncaring, so you’re in the process of doing that. You’re telling them what this is not. You’re not overly controlling, you’re not uncaring. You are respectful.

Now you tell me you invite that help. See that posture of inviting help says, you can work with me. I’m safe. There it is again, I’m safe. And people will not like you, let alone love you if they’re not sure if you’re safe. You’re helping to bring that safety to the relationship. That’s huge.

Gayla:            It is. But the thing is, we shy away from those conversations because they can be awkward.

Ron:                It’s intimidating.

Gayla:            A stepmom to a biological mom, that conversation, there’s generally tension in the beginning, so it might feel better “I’m just not going to have that conversation. That would be too hard.” But then the relationship continues to stay awkward forever instead of just having an initial, yes, it might be awkward conversation, and then hopefully that opens up and allows the relationship to really grow.

Ron:                Again, so recap; first conversation is with spouse, always, always, always. Then together decide how to approach the other household, if at all, and then you can implement that. Let them know what it is and what it isn’t. And invite their help in a collaborative environment. Who knows how that might help.

I’ve had so many people that I’ve worked with in the past say, “Well, man, we could never do that. They won’t care. They don’t listen to me.” But you know what? When you take that posture of the one down and when you lead with “Because I love you” or “Because I respect you,” either way, whatever’s appropriate, then it’s amazing how that sort of softens the moment. And you might just come out of that dialogue with a new, let me say it this way, a new definition of how you and I are going to get along.

And when it’s something that both people feel like they’ve contributed to and is honoring, it can move the relationship forward. It can transform in a way where you’ve been. So maybe in the past you couldn’t do any of that, but now you can. It’s worth that shot to see if it moves you forward.

Gayla:            Yeah, I agree.

Ron:                Okay, I got one more question for you, I think. “What’s the best way to respond to a bonus child that constantly brings up her mom?” So I’m assuming this is stepmom.

Gayla:             Right.

Ron:                Constantly brings up the mom when doing one-on-one bonding activities, so stepmom’s, engaging, trying to get along, trying to bond, and she keeps bringing up her mother when it’s clear, she says that there has not been a time when the stepmom was trying to take the mom’s place. So stepmom’s been respectful towards the biological mother and that relationship with the child, and yet the kid keeps bringing it up.

Gayla:            I love this question because what it is telling us is that child is missing mom. So when the child is with stepmom and they’re trying to do things together, she’s thinking about her mom, rightly so. She’s probably missing her mom. And the stepmom needs to understand this is nothing about her. This is all about this child. And as a stepmom then we say to them, “Are you missing your mom today? Do you want to talk about it? Would you rather be doing this with your mom? I understand that, but you’re here.” And then sometimes you can even say, “Do you want to call your mom? Do you want to talk to your mom today?” Because that’s really what is at the root of this, and we need to acknowledge that.

Ron:                Amen. I mean, that is such a good answer. It’s hard to remember that what gets in the way. Let’s do four steps, shall we?

Gayla:            Go for it, Ron.

Ron:                “Okay, so what I know about me,” I can see the stepmom saying is step one, “I’m feeling unloved and I’m feeling rejected,” and what do I usually do with that? Step two, “What I usually do with that is I want to push this child away. I want to close the door. I want to withdraw because I feel hurt. That’s what I typically do.”

What’s the truth? Oh, Gayla just told me the truth. The truth is this child is missing their mom. It’s hard to be drawn into stepmom when you’re feeling a little guilty. Maybe I should be with Mom, or I haven’t had much time with her. Or you just can’t be happy without also wanting mom to be involved. Yeah, it’s the innocence of a kid and their care. That’s what’s going on. That’s the truth. This is really not about me.

Okay, so what am I going to do instead of that? Well, what I’m going to do is engage the child around their feelings. Are they missing mom? Do they want to engage mom? And then I’m just going to keep going, playing our little game and try to enjoy this moment as much as I can and not let that question from this child push me out of engaging with them.

Gayla:            Because that’s the natural reaction. That is the natural reaction.

Ron:                And so when the stepmom stays engaged in spite of the comment, who knows? Number one, you’ve just moved yourself to a place of being empowered, not having to withdraw because of your pain. And number two, you might just enjoy the game. The child might enjoy the game. You’ve just taken steps forward to incrementally to being a safe person.

Gayla:            Right. And also helping that child though with what is going on with them by asking the questions, “Do you miss your mom?

Ron:                That was good. That was a good answer. I hope people are paying attention. Okay, we got some more. I think we got another question or two.

Gayla:            Well, there was one that talked about in-laws, over opinionated in-laws. How do you guard against well-intentioned, and you have a podcast coming up on that, right?

Ron:                We do. As a matter of fact, that’s the next podcast. So next on FamilyLife Blended, we are going to be talking about in-law relationships and navigating that space, and sometimes it’s about your mother-in-law and your relationship with her, and sometimes it’s about the former mother-in-law.

Gayla:            Yes. Oh gosh.

Ron:                And holidays and all that kind of good stuff. And so that’s going to be our topic next time on FamilyLife Blended. Gayla, thank you for joining me.

Gayla:            Hey, we have one more question.

Ron:                Oh, we do?

Gayla:            Yeah. Can I ask?

Ron:                Let’s do it.

Gayla:            Let’s see it. My adult stepdaughter has retreated this past year because she can’t deal. Recently we discovered she’s struggling with her parents not being what she wanted and the baggage that comes with it. How do we come alongside an estranged adult child? How do we respect her space and trauma yet try to work toward reconciliation?

Ron:                You know what? I can totally imagine a conversation or an email or a text message that says, “We respect your need for some space.” Just that very thing. And “Please know that we care for you and want to continue our relationship with you, but we also recognize it’s kind of hard for you right now and we will be available and we’re on your timing. You can expect me, dad or stepmom to connect with you in a couple of weeks just to see how you’re doing, maybe see if you can want to come over and have dinner.”

There it is. You try to define, “Here’s how we move forward. We respect where you’re at. We’re going to follow your lead, but please know, here’s what that does not mean.” See, it’s the same thing we talked about earlier. This does not mean we don’t care; we’re shutting you out or here’s what you can expect from us. We’re going to continue to connect and if that’s not appropriate, you let us know, but we care for you. Adults have their own feelings and experiences and things they’ve got to work through, and I think you do have to treat them as an adult.

Gayla:            You do. Relationships change when our kids become adults. Our relationship as a parent changes.

Ron:                When the prodigal son headed to the far-off land, the father went to the edge of the property. He went as far as he could go. He didn’t pursue him all the way to the foreign land and follow him and say, you can’t make these decisions. You got to come. Nope. He respected that autonomy, but he kept his face forward looking for the son to come home. That’s your posture. Face forward, continue to look. Let them know you’re there. If and when they want to turn around, you’re more than happy to have that conversation that you’re going to be available but not badgering and then you wait.

Gayla:            Right; and pray.

Ron:                And wait and pray. In the story of the prodigal son, how long did the father have to wait? We don’t know. It could have been a really, really long time.

Gayla:            It could have been.

Ron:                And you may have to wait a long time, but you wait. It’s what you can do.

Gayla:            And continue to nudge them from time to time letting them know I care. I want a relationship with you. But the ball is in their court.

Ron:                Yep. I think that’s it. Wow. Good stuff. Lots of questions and life has questions and we don’t have all the answers, and we pray, and we continue to ask God to fill us. He does say in the book of James, if you lack wisdom, ask.

And so we would encourage you as we close this out, to ask God for wisdom and let Him through His spirit, lead you step by step forward and well, we appreciate. I appreciate you, Gayla. Thank you so much for all that you contribute.

Gayla:            It’s good to be here.

Ron:                This is the Q and A session of FamilyLife Blended, and I’m sure we’ll get more questions as time goes on.

As we’re wrapping up, I do want to point to the Summit. It is around the corner, October 23 and 24, the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. We’re going to be in the Nashville area for that event this coming year. You may not be a ministry leader, but you know somebody who is. Would you tell them about this event? Would you let them know that this is a place where they can come and learn about stepfamilies and also how your local church can make a difference for stepfamilies, stepcouples, and stepchildren throughout your church in a variety of ways in the life of your congregation. And there are so many people who need concerns.

Recently I was at an event where some people were asking me how many churches are doing stepfamily ministry, and unfortunately, I had to tell them less than one percent. We’ll do anything to overtly engage stepfamilies in their congregation or the community in the coming year, less than one percent. That actually might be a high number.

So you can be the one who does it in your community, and so just activate that somehow. Maybe it’s you. Maybe you’re ready to lead a small group, or you’ve just been feeling called by the Lord to do that, you don’t even know where to begin. That’s okay. Let us help you. We have a ton of resources for people who want to be in leadership positions, and we want to make those available to you, so reach out to us and just let us know and we’ll be happy to help.

Well, thank you for joining us on this episode of FamilyLife Blended. We are part of the FamilyLife Podcast Network. Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.

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