
Just how important is chemistry in a relationship?: Allen and Jennifer Parr
Just how important is chemistry in a relationship? Author and YouTube influencer Allen Parr and his wife Jennifer shared what mattered–and didn’t–as their relationship developed over time and distance.

Show Notes
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About the Guest

Allen and Jennifer Parr
Allen Parr is a national speaker, YouTuber, author, ordained minister, husband, and father. He is the cofounder (with his wife, Jennifer) of Let’s Equip, a nonprofit organization that equips Christians and Christian organizations with courses and curriculum to aid in biblical literacy and spiritual growth. Allen is a proud graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary, where he earned his Master of Theology degree in 2004. He has served on staff at several churches in various positions, including worship pastor and pastor of Christian education. His popular YouTube channel, The BEAT (Biblical Encouragement And Truth) with Allen Parr, reaches millions of believers with encouragement to live out their true calling as Christians. He and Jennifer and their two children live in Texas.
Episode Transcript
FamilyLife Today® National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript
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Just How Important is Chemistry in a Relationship?
Guest:Allen and Jennifer Parr
From the series:Dating and Marriage Advice (Day 1 of 2)
Air date:August 22, 2024
Ann: Before we get started today, we have something special for you, our listeners. We have a sale.
Dave: Yes, on small group material. When you are leading a small group, you are always looking for great stuff. We’ve got some great stuff: The Art of Marriage®, Vertical Marriage™, Love Like You Mean It®. You name it, we’ve got great small group material for you, and it’s on sale right now.
Ann: Twenty-five percent off for the whole month of August.
Dave: Go to FamilyLife.com/shop and get your discount. Get your stuff and get ready, because God is going to change lives in your family room as you lead that small group.
Jennifer: We believe we can do things by ourselves. I felt like I could go to D.C., I could conquer that city, [and] I could do it all by myself. God slowly softened my heart that: “You need Me. You need Me, but not only do you need Me, you need a man who submits to Me, who will lead you.”
Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.
This is FamilyLife Today!
Ann: I think we have the most beautiful couple in the world sitting with us for an interview today. [Laughter]
Dave: We’ve had a lot of couples but, I’m telling you—
Allen: —you all are kind.
Dave: —you two are—honestly, Allen and Jennifer Parr are with us. They’re embarrassed now, I’m sure, but I have to ask you this: have you ever done any modeling?
Allen: I definitely have not—no, not at all.
Jennifer: People say you look like Denzel Washington.
Ann: You do!
Dave: Yes, you do. [Laughter]
Ann: You totally do!
Dave: I’m a little afraid of you right now. You know [like] in The Equalizer. You might take me out.
Allen: Right, right.
Ann: Jennifer, have you?
Jennifer: No professional modeling.
Dave: If you are listening to just audio right now, you might want to go to the YouTube® Channel (FamilyLife’s YouTube channel) and take a look.
Ann: You guys, we’re really excited for you to be here today.
Allen, you didn’t get married until 40. Did you say it was on his birthday?
Allen: Yes.
Dave: Tell us your story. How did this happen? Because people know, at least, Allen. Do they know you as well on YouTube?
Ann: Yes, Jennifer, you are on YouTube.
Jennifer: We’ve done some relationship videos, so it’s been fun. I sneak in here and there. I’m a mom, as well as a wife.
Ann: You’ve been married how many years?
Allen: Eight years; it will be nine this November.
Ann: How many kids?
Jennifer: Two kids.
Ann: They are how old?
Allen: Seven and five—seven-year-old girl; five-year-old boy.
Jennifer: Fun times.
Ann: That’s really fun.
Jennifer: Parenting is real in this season. It’s real.
Allen: We had two under two and that was really stressful.
Dave: Oh, boy.
Ann: We tell people that the hardest phase of marriage is when you have little kids.
Jennifer: Absolutely.
Ann: You’re tired.
Allen: Yesss!
Ann: You think that you’ve gotten them to sleep through the night, but then they get sick.
Dave: Did you hear the way he said he’s tired?
Ann: Yes.
Allen: Yesss!
Ann: Or they’re teething, or you go on vacation, or there’s a time change, and everything changes.
Allen: Yes.
Ann: It’s hard.
Allen: Because you work all day—
Dave: —and you’re not in your 20’s, having a 5-year-old and 7-year-old. You are in your 40’s.
Allen: Right, exactly. It’s a different world.
Dave: Talk about it.
Jennifer: I don’t mind saying my age. I’m in my 30’s, late 30’s.
Dave: —you are young.
Jennifer: —late 30’s; I turn 40 this year.
Allen: Yes.
Dave: How did you guys meet?
Allen: We met on Valentine’s Day: February 14, 2014.
Jennifer: That’s like the most cliché date to meet, Valentine’s Day.
Ann: Seriously!
Jennifer: [It’s the] worst day for singles if you’re a Christian single, right? Because you’re trying to do the right thing, but you’re feeling the pressure of having to be in a relationship.
Allen: And you feel alone. You’re lonely.
Jennifer: You feel alone. So, our church had an event. It was a singles’ event. I was serving. I was a greeter at the door, and I was not there looking for a relationship.
Ann: But then Denzel—I mean, Allen—walked in. [Laughter]
Jennifer: How could I turn down Denzel Washington walking through the church doors, right? And coming through my door, too? But I had been in so many unhealthy relationships. Even though a Denzel look alike was walking through the door, I was so laser-focused [that] I didn’t even see him. I was just there to serve.
Dave: [You] didn’t really notice him?
Jennifer: [I] didn’t really notice him, but I had a conversation with him.
Dave: Yes, but I want to know if Allen noticed [Jennifer].
Allen: Oh, I noticed. [Laughter]
Dave: I thought so. That’s what I figured.
Allen: I don’t know what she noticed, but I noticed for sure. That’s what led to us having a conversation. We talked, but I was really struck, because I had dated different girls before I met her and couldn’t seem to find the right girl. There was something about that conversation that we had, that first night at this party, that was different for some reason. I felt something different. I would say we talked for about 45 minutes or so, off and on, throughout the night.
Jennifer: Yes.
Allen: I’d go back and find her, and we’d continue our conversation. After that, maybe a month later, we started going out on what she liked to call appointments, because she didn’t want to call it a date. [Laughter]
Dave: “Appointments!”
Ann: Wait, wait. I have to go back.
Jennifer: I was laser-focused.
Ann: Okay, Jennifer, when you had that conversation, did you feel that same thing? What was so unique?
Jennifer: I do remember our conversation. It’s just that I didn’t want to engage my heart too much, because I had done that in the past too early. So, I was serving, and he was another guy who walked through the door that I was saying hello to, but I stopped my heart there.
What I do remember, though, is that he kept coming back. The intentionality was what I noticed that night that I had not observed before. Because most guys—they’re at a singles event; it’s at a church—are making their rounds, right?
Dave: Yes.
Jennifer: You make rounds; but he kept coming back. That was the first sign of intentionality that I think is so important for a man to have when [he is] pursuing a woman.
Ann: You like that he wasn’t afraid to come back; he wasn’t passive.
Jennifer: No, he was not.
Ann: He was confident, it sounds like.
Allen: What’s interesting is that another reason that she didn’t mention (as far as not engaging her heart) is that—little did I know that when I met her—she had already been making plans to move to Washington, D.C. to work out there, because she had never lived outside of Texas.
We started dating and, in my mind, I was falling in love by the second. [I thought], “This is the one for me.” Two months in, I’ve already communicated on the third or fourth date my intentions about “Hey, I’m here. I’m serious. I’m not trying to find somebody just to hang out with. I’m a minister. I’m looking for a ministry partner. I’m looking for a wife. I’m serious.”
I thought that she was on board. Then, a month later, she hit me with: “I got a job offer in Washington, D.C., and I’m taking it; and I’m going to be moving to D.C.”
In my mind, my whole world was shaken right there, thinking, “How could you do that? Don’t you see we’re building something here in Dallas? You’re going to complicate our relationship by making it long distance.”
I had a choice.
Ann: What happened?
Allen: It’s like a drama. [Laughter]
Jennifer: I had prayed for a man that had good intentions, godly intentions. When he said, “I’m not looking for a girlfriend. I’m looking for a wife,” I had prayed for that. Then, I got it. I feel like God gave it to me, then I became fearful.
Ann: You were afraid.
Jennifer: All these doubts came into my mind: “Am I going to make a good wife? Am I ready to be a wife? Is this what I want?”
Allen: Or, “What if he’s like the other guys?”
Jennifer: Or, “What if he’s like the other guys?”
I took that job, because I think the enemy had done a great job—
Dave: —oh, you left him!
Jennifer: I left.
Dave: I thought you were going to say you didn’t go.
Jennifer: I left.
Allen: She left.
Jennifer: I took that job, and I left. It wasn’t his fault. But prior to meeting him, I was in a relationship that I had turned down a job to stay for that person, and it didn’t work. I was so laser focused. Then you throw in doubt, you throw in fear, and all these things that the enemy can take and run with, and I said, “Peace out.”
Allen: Yes, she got in her car, packed all her stuff, and moved to D.C. And for the next year, we were long distance dating.
Jennifer: We were long distance.
Ann: You continued to pursue her.
Allen: We continued. There was—once again, there was—something special. I said, “I’ve not found this with anyone else.”
Ann: What was it?
Allen: I feel like with every other woman that I had ever dated—I call it the big three, physical, emotional, spiritual—I kid you not, every single woman I had ever dated before her, there was always one of those three that were missing.
Either I was physically attracted to them and spiritually they were on point—we could pray together; we could talk about the Word—but there wasn’t a friendship connection. There wasn’t joy to be around each other. We didn’t laugh; we didn’t have fun with each other. There wasn’t a sense that we could talk all day, and it wasn’t these awkward silences and different things like that. Or it was the other two. We could talk all day, and I was physically attracted, but they didn’t love Jesus.
I met her, and I thought, “Wow! I checked all the boxes.” Everything was there, and I felt a peace about that. What I didn’t want to do is give her an ultimatum and say, “Hey, if you want to be with me, you need to stay here.”
Ann: Yes.
Allen: Because I knew—the Spirit of the Lord told me—that if I do that, and she did stay, she could resent me for a long time for not allowing her to go away. It’s so amazing to me how short term—our thinking is so short term—whenever we think, “We are going to be away from each other for a year. Are we going to be able to make it?”
We’ve been married eight years now, and we hardly even remember.
Jennifer: Now that we look back, that year went by so fast.
Allen: We need to be careful not to make long-term decisions based on a short-term reality. Don’t say, “I’m going to give this up,” because you could be missing out on a lifetime of love.
The last thing is to talk to them about how that really helped our relationship, as well.
Jennifer: Oh, my goodness. [It gave us] a solid foundational friendship. When you remove the physical aspect of a relationship, you have no choice but to focus on other things.
This is the first relationship I had been in where, while we were dating, I grew closer to Christ than to him. Most guys want to pull you in so you can get connected to them, but my relationship with the Lord grew so much, and it was because of our conversations. We had Bible studies over the phone. We talked for how long? Tell them the record.
Allen: —seven hours.
Jennifer: —seven hours!
Allen: We had one conversation. We had to screenshot.
Ann: What?!
Dave: No, you didn’t!
Ann: You guys, this is a Lifetime movie.
Jennifer: We showed them, at our wedding, the screenshot.
Allen: When we got off the phone, I screenshotted it. We were on the phone for over seven hours one time.
Dave: Was it late at night? You didn’t fall asleep?
Allen: Oh, yes.
Jennifer: It was. We started a conversation at probably like eight. [Laughter]
Ann: We used to do that.
Allen: We didn’t get off until three or four in the morning.
Jennifer: Yes.
Ann: I’m thinking about it. We did the same thing. We started dating, and Dave went to college in Indiana; I went to college in Kentucky.
Jennifer: Distance.
Ann: We did the same thing. You’re right. We just talked.
Dave: What you just said about the spiritual component, that you were falling deeper in love with Jesus, [reminds me of] one night, after dropping Ann off at her parents’ house; I got in my car, and I was driving home. I was 21 or 22 years old. I had never been in a Christian dating relationship in my life. I was a pretty new Christian, about a year then. Every other one of them was without Christ.
Ann: [One] said she was.
Dave: Yes, well, and I said—
Jennifer: “They said….” That’s how they get you.
Allen: Yes, you know that story, too.
Jennifer: I know that story.
Dave: Honestly, I said I was, and I wasn’t.
Allen: Right.
Dave: I really wasn’t.
Ann: You weren’t a disciple.
Dave: I remember driving away from—I backed out of her driveway. I was leaving her house, and I screamed, impromptu, at the top of my lungs, “I love Jesus!” I remember that it reverberated in my little car. I thought, “What did I just say?” It hit me that spending time with this woman was making me fall more in love with Jesus.
Allen: Right.
Dave: I remember thinking, “This is the way God wants it to be. You’re falling deeper in love because of the person you’re spending time with.”
Ann: Because we were going on mission together.
Jennifer: That’s so good.
Ann: That’s so different.
Allen: Right. We call it purpose partners.
Jennifer: Yes, we are purpose partners.
Ann: That’s good.
Allen: We feel like that’s why God put us together. We are purpose partners; we are able to fulfill our individual purposes at a better level together than we ever would—
Ann: —we always said that. Because I remember the first time we talked for a long [time]. It was one of our first dates. I thought, “This guy is going to change the world for Christ, and I want to do that.”
Allen: Right.
Ann: [I thought], “I don’t care. If I’m not with him, I’m going to do that anyway. But together, what would that look like?”
Dave: What happened? Did you get married the next day? What happened? [Laughter]
Jennifer: I love that you said that, because some things started to happen in my heart, as well. Remember when I left Dallas, I was fearful, right? I was fearful of being a wife or being pursued by someone who was looking for a wife. As I was in D.C., I was plugged in. As I was growing spiritually, I realized, “This city is great, and I’m doing great things here; but it means nothing if I’m not doing it with the person God is calling me to do it with.”
There was a light-bulb moment that went off, because before I left Texas, I told God—isn’t that funny, I told God? “I’m not coming back here.”
Ann: You told—
Jennifer: “I’m not coming back here.”
I’m sure God was looking at me thinking, “Okay, Jennifer, just wait; just wait.”
Allen: Because she loved D.C.
Jennifer: I did.
Allen: [She] loved it, especially [coming from] Texas.
Dave: Yes, I bet.
Jennifer: For a lot of reasons; but for one, seasonally I had never experienced—
Ann: —cherry blossoms.
Jennifer: —cherry blossoms. I didn’t know what a cherry blossom was. I got there, and I thought, “Wow! There’s a whole festival around this.” You can have all of that, but it means nothing if you are not able to live out what God has called you to do and to do that with someone who is on the same mission. I remember having this light-bulb moment. He had been the one the whole time. I just needed to see that and trust what God had put on his heart, too, to lead me as well.
During those eight months, we developed a solid friendship. This is one thing I would say is so important: to have friendship. Because now, looking back, we’re in the thick of it, like he said, [with] parenting. In this season, marriage can be hard with little kids.
Sometimes, we may not love each other, but we like each other, because we’re friends. [We think], “I miss my friend.” [Laughter]
Ann: It’s true.
Jennifer: I’m being honest. That dating allowed us to develop a very solid friendship.
Ann: Tell me what you did with your fear, because you were so afraid to step into it.
Jennifer: I trusted God. I know that sounds so cliché, but we believe we can do things by ourselves. I felt like I could go to D.C. [and] I could conquer that city, I could do it all by myself. God slowly softened my heart that, “You need Me. You need Me; but not only do you need Me, you need a man who submits to Me who will lead you.”
That’s another thing that I would say: that prior to Allen, I would always focus on chemistry. “Oh, me and this guy don’t connect,” or “We have great chemistry. He may be toxic, but we have great chemistry.” [Laughter]
I know we’re going to talk about red flags, right? But I missed all those red flags, focusing on chemistry. This was the first relationship where his character trumped our chemistry.
Ann: Oh, that’s good.
Jennifer: He still has solid character.
Ann: I can see it.
Jennifer: I think God was trying to show me: “Focus on this. He has great character. That’s not going to change. Focus on Me.” And the fear slowly started to melt away.
Allen: Chemistry can change sometimes over the course of a relationship, over the course of a marriage. You have moments where you feel things strongly and other times you don’t; but character? You’re right.
Jennifer: Chemistry will change. [Laughter]
Ann: Totally.
Allen: Yes, it will change because of different seasons, right? When you’re seven months pregnant and hormones are raging—
Jennifer: —hormones, woo!
Allen: It’s like, “Well, chemistry looks a little different in those times.”
Jennifer: Do you still love me, Babe?
Allen: I still love you. I still love you in all seasons; but I was going to say—also something else that helped you with your fear: you had some godly women in your life who helped you. [They] encouraged you about: “What’s more important? To have this career and be this career woman in D.C, crushing it and slaying all your career goals? Is this where you want to be, or do you want to have a family one day? Do you want to settle down?”
You had some really good women who helped pour into you, too.
Ann: That’s important.
Jennifer: It’s so important. I think if you are younger or the younger generation, there is no reason to be scared of older people. They are old because they are wise. Lean into that. I had some women who spoke life into me and said, “Jennifer, this is great, but I want to give you a perspective of what is important long term. Don’t be fearful of this. Focus on that.”
That really helped, because fear is natural. It’s real emotion, and it’s okay to have.
Ann: I love, too, that you met each other at a church, at a singles event. You had godly women pouring into you who were giving you feedback. I think sometimes, as singles, we’re out places trying to meet a possible mate, a future husband or wife. I love that you were at a great church. That would be a great step for a single person, too.
Jennifer: Absolutely.
Allen: I’ve seen the Lord do an amazing transformation in my wife, because when we met her career was very, very important and she—
Ann: —what were you doing?
Jennifer: I was doing communication, journalism, all that.
Allen: She wanted to move up, and she ended up getting the dream job. She was working for Toyota®, a great company. She loved the company. I’d say about four years ago (maybe three years ago), we made the decision to bring her home so she could focus more on family and ministry and different things like that.
That was a huge sacrifice. That was more [of] God putting that on her heart. It wasn’t me pressuring her, saying, “I need you more here.” The more she was trying to juggle—and I know many of our listeners will understand and appreciate this—she was trying so hard to juggle being a mom, being a wife, and working full-time at a very demanding company, demanding job. You loved it.
Jennifer: I loved it.
Allen: That was the thing. It wasn’t that you didn’t like it.
Jennifer: It was a great job.
Allen: You loved what you were doing. It created a lot of difficult tensions in our marriage dynamic. I mean, picking up the kids from daycare and sometimes them being the last one. I’m up there trying to do videos, and I would say, “I can’t pick them up, because I’m in the middle of doing this.”
Ann: You could have pressured her into feeling all of that—
Allen: —yes.
Ann: —or made her feel guilty, or manipulated the situation, but you let God.
Allen: The Lord did a transformation. She came to me one day and said, “I feel like—as much as I love my job, I feel like—the Lord is calling me to give this up and be more available for my family. She’s done that, and I can say that I personally think that was one of the best decisions we could have ever made for our family.
Ann: Have you ever regretted that, Jennifer?
Jennifer: Absolutely not.
Ann: Wow!
Jennifer: I grieved it. Change is a good thing. It’s not bad, [but] I grieved it for about six months, because that was all that I had known. But I realized I was grieving something that I had put so much into that it became my identity. I think God was softening my heart to say, “I didn’t give this opportunity to you to replace Me or replace your identity.”
It did that, if I’m being honest. I grieved that. I had to unlearn a lot of things to learn: “Okay, this is a blessing. This is a gift.” It’s been amazing. I’m trying not to get emotional when I’m thinking about it, but it really has been.
Once again, we talked about character. That character came in where he never pressured me. [He said], “Okay, Babe, you’re ready? Alright, I support you in this.” He supported me when I was in it, but that was what that wise woman was showing me: character is way more important than all these other things you are looking at in a godly partner.
Allen: I’ll add one thing, too. My wife is from West Africa. She’s from Nigeria. She comes from a line of very strong women who have careers. Some of them were the primary bread winners, financially, in her family. That was one thing she had to deal with was: “How am I going to contribute to our family? How am I going to help?”
Ann: That’s where some identity came in.
Allen: Yes. “How am I going to help, because all I know, and all I’ve seen is strong women who are doctors, lawyers, accountants, CPAs, and different things; and they’re doing these things?”
She had to deal with, “What am I going to do?”
Ann: “What’s my contribution?”
Allen: Yes; “What’s my contribution now going to be to the family?” That’s why I said I see transformation in her, because she didn’t realize at the time that just being a present mother and a loving, supportive wife is a greater contribution than you can ever imagine for your kids, for your husband. I’m so thankful.
Dave: It’s interesting, we were going to talk about 15 or 10 or 5 red flags.
Jennifer: 20o!
Dave: We’re out of time, but I want to highlight something that you said—that this whole story has said—about a red flag: “Character trumps chemistry.”
Jennifer: Absolutely.
Dave: Just the way you said that [made me think], “That’s a book title; that’s a chapter title.” Elaborate just a second on that: why is character so important? Because we live in a culture that says, “Chemistry is what it’s all about.”
Jennifer: Absolutely!
Allen: Right.
Dave: “If you don’t have that, forget it!”
Again, we are not saying it isn’t important, but compared to character, right?
Jennifer: I think we make a lot of decisions based on our feelings.
Ann: Yes.
Jennifer: And chemistry is feelings-based. It’s how we feel about that person or, “How does that person makes me feel?” That’s important, right? It is important; but I don’t think Jesus teaches us to operate on just feelings. Character doesn’t change. Your character is heart-rooted, with the Holy Spirit. It’s grounded, and that typically doesn’t change.
If someone were to come to me and say, “We heard Allen Park robbed the bank,” I would say, “Not my Allen Park,” because of his character. We kind of drift a little bit, but we always come back to who we are.
Ann: Yes.
Jennifer: That’s that foundational piece, I think, [which] is way more important than the emotion-based, right? That’s why I look back, and the decisions we’ve made together, his character creeps in. I think, “Yes, of course he didn’t pressure me, because—
Ann: —that’s who he is!
Jennifer: —”that’s who he is.”
If you are single, it’s okay if you’ve made some poor decisions based on your emotions, especially as women, right? God gave us emotions for a reason, especially women.
Dave: Right.
Jennifer: It’s not a bad thing. I just think it’s important to, as we grow, focus on what doesn’t change, and that’s God. Even the characteristics of God, as we see, they don’t change.
Dave: In some ways, at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is character.
Ann: And our walk with God. That’s where our character comes from.
Allen: That’s right.
Shelby: Character is king! It’s true. Walking with God is really the way to develop character and watch your life change for God’s glory and for our good, because who doesn’t love someone who has deep, rich character.
I’m Shelby Abbott, and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Allen and Jennifer Parr on FamilyLife Today. If you want to learn more about Allen Parr’s ministry and see that he has over a million subscribers on YouTube, we’re going to put a link to his YouTube channel, called The Beat, in our show notes.
It’s approaching the end of August. As you are getting ready for small groups in the fall, we wanted to let you know that all FamilyLife workbooks are 25 percent off for the rest of this month. You can go to the show notes at FamilyLifeToday.com, look around, and pick out something that will work best for you as you start a small group this upcoming fall. Again, you can head over to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the link in the show notes.
Now, tomorrow, the Wilsons are joined once again by Allen and Jennifer Parr to unpack a few more red flags in unhealthy relationships. That’s tomorrow. We hope you will join us.
On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.
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